Long time no see.

Wow. That's been a looong time since we last talked. This past year was quite a ride. With a lot of trips, stress, reading, studying, meeting, partying and of course... graduation. Yes, I did it! Still quite can't believe it. But all the hard work pays off eventually. Today I don't really have what to say, as I am third day in bed with the flu and tomorrow another very hard week starts... I will get pass through it ! 

I am thinking to change my blog a little bit, but that will have to wait the moment when I will feel inspired to do so. As for now, everything is going well even if the job search is going so slow... At least there are so many things to do that I don't have time to think about it too much.

See you soon with some new content! 

Have a nice Sunday,

Dear Miami

To do or not to do.

  The question is... I don't know what about you, but I am in a crisis a little bit. I don't know if it is the spring's fault, or the upcoming birthday's. It seems like everything is going to change. A lot. But still everything is so the same. Every day I face this damn question "To do or not to do?", and usualy I choose not to, because I am under exams pressure and I want to do REALLY good, and this is a problem I think. More I do more I get done. It always was like this, and now, when I have a lot of time, it seems I spend all of my most beautiful days in front of the books, trying to remember all the axess of DSM, or PDM and then repeat repeat repeat... I try to convince myself that I don't care about the mark, but I do. A little bit. The problem is, that I really wish I could not study and receive good marks. Haha. Not gonna happen any time soon. So right now I live a boring life under pressure between four walls. But my life isn't as bad as G's. Like he is completely lost. 3 hours a day in a bus, and eat your dinner at 21. I would be so fat if I would do that. So I can't say I live bad. I am really good actually. Like in two months I am going to my dream holiday. I CAN'T WAIT! Maybe it is better that I have loads of studying to do, time passes faster like that and I am motivated to get my s**t done. 

Even if all I want to do is go shopping and lay in the sun.

Soon.

Break.

  I could use one. Really. 

I start to write this blog like the 6th time already. That pretty much sums up what is going on in my head. And I always tried to write something when I was feeing good and inspired. but this time I just need to write TO feel good.

   The problem is I have no idea what, or how to write. 

    Another problem is that I miss my friends. I miss them so badly. Everyday I tell to myself. you can do this, you can find friends also here, you can make great connections, create a wonderful life. But the truth is, days go by, and even people I thought are my friends, or are becoming to be ones, actually aren't. I will be always different. Italian will never be my native language, I will never understand completely how things work here. And that is my problem, because I really don't want to change who I am just to be someone they would like. And even if I am feeling like an outsider most of the time here, I am happy about my choice. I was brave enough to do it. And they are just chickens who can't even change a city in their own country. I know only one thing, I want to graduate as soon as I possibly can, do everything that is in my power, and to make myself proud of what I have accomplished in this time here. And then I would like to go to a place, where there is job, where they pay because you work, not because you go to work, where things happens in time and you don't have to prepare six million billion documents to get a student card. I hope The Boy will have enough courage to do that as well. But we will see. Maybe my life will turn upside down, maybe I will find a job here. But it is hard to make all these plans by myself. I know that it is important to think about "here and now". but maybe it is also a little bit useful to think about the future and what can we do to make that future better for ourselves? Oh I don't know.

I am just happy that after this hell of two months will end, I will have the best vacation I could ever imagine. 

So I wish you all a nice sunny day today.

Different. Or just a random talk.

   Amo prendere la pausa e trovare la motivazione... Trovarla nelle parole che i miei amici mi scrive... Trovarla nelle canzone che trovo in modo "random" mentre sto cazzeggiando (cosa che purtroppo faccio troppo in questi giorni....). Ma avevo bisogno di un pomeriggio cosi. Dovevo sistemare la mia testa e i miei pensieri e anche la mia camera. Anche se ho avuto pocche ore per fare tutto. Ma era abbastanza. Era abbastanza per iniziare sentire viva di nuovo. Per capire che le cose vanno cosi come vuoi tu, e se metti pausa sulla vita nessuno fara le cose per te. Tu e solo Tu devi prendere il posto della autista e guidare dove ti pare e' meglio per te. E se hai qualcuno speciale nella tua vita - anche per quella persona. Ho capito che sono troppo egoista a volte, ieri, quando siamo stati alla apericena che faceva schiffo, ho capito che mi sono cambiata tantissimo. Anche dal giorno quando sono arrivata qui. Ero timida-buona-buonissima-cativa, ed adesso nemeno lo so come sono a volte. Lo so solo che sono felice e che cerco a fare altre persone cosi. E spero che riesco. Almeno a volte.

 And now I feel inspired to work a little harder and do everything a little better. Spring is inspiring, my friend.

Spring.

   It's finally here. 10-15 degrees outside -  I like it. Finally no heavy coats, no boots, no fur... Everything is getting lighter and warmer. That is everything I like in Life. But unfortunately not everything is easy. As I change my mind about a lot of things in my life, it get much easier to control it. But even now sometimes my mind gets messy. I start to think what I HAVE to do, and what I'm ACTUALLY doing. Which is pretty much nothing in these days. All the excersices and group works I have to do seems nothing if I compare it to the other things that are waiting for me. I need a one day break. To think, to plan, to organise. To clear my mind. 

   Despite all that I finally feel that I am going the right way and that everything will be alright, it has to be. Even if it is not like I imagine, not all the details are the same, but it is good at the end. And this perfect imperfection makes life beautiful. And so does spring. 

New Year.

   12.02.2014 I came here. I chose to be far away from home and people I love. Today I am celebrating my one year anniversary with The City. It wasn't easy I must say. And it was a long long way. But I learend a lot. I met new people. I 've lost some... But takaja laif as I like to say. Anyways, I don't regret anything. I am happy I make this decision and I am happy I am growing inside every single minute I am here. And it changed me loads, I don't know it's a good thing or bad, but right now I am happy of who I am. I am happy about people who are in my life and I am happy about those who are gone or came back. Life here showed me, the the goal of it doesn't have to be a non stop competition about "whose life is worse", it's not even about whose life is better. it's about BEING HAPPY. If you feel happy competing with others about how your life is shit (excuse the language) - great, if you choose to compete with others because you feel like VIP on this Earth - even better. But I choose to be happy. here and now, because time flies and I don't have a luxury to worry about how to make my life shittier in the eyes of others. I only have time to reach my goals, to Love, to travel, to help others (if it's in my power) to feel happier (at least a little bit, because so many people/places make me happier so much). If others don't like it - well, that's not my problem. I start MY New Year with a positive mind, clear soul and finished exam session (successfuly even), I decided to have only one New Year's resolution, which might sound very cheesy, but I think everyone should be concerned about it more. And it sounds like that -  DO MORE OF WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. And take care of your health. This past year also tought me, that being with a shitty health is not cool. Then even being happy doesn't seem so important. 

But of course, drink more water, start do sports, eat less junk food, if that is what makes YOU happy. 

Now I am going to celebrate my New Year with a cup of coffee, since I quit for two months now, I think it's quite an occasion to break my rule.

Love, be loved and take care <3

Hard work is paying off.

   It's freeeeezing outside. Living with the headache for two days in a row only because my room is like fridge is no fun at all. But, on the other hand, I wanted winter, so here you go girl.... haha. Once again, in Turin you have to wish for things very carefuly. 

   The mountain of the books is so high I don't even see it's top, but I am trying to stay optimistic, I know I can do it. But in any case we will see how it goes. But I know that hard work pays off, even it is hard sometimes to believe in yourself.

   But in winter time the most important thing is to feel loved, and I do. I hope you too. And time passes faster than I would like to, but oh what the hell, I'm going home in 10 days! Packing gifts and listening to Christmas songs is MY THING now. Even if later on I feel guilt because I don't study in that time. But... It's Christmas. So I wish that everyone will find a force to forgive everyone and live in peace, it is much more easy like that. Trust me :)

Have a good preparation for Christmas!! Ho Ho Ho

Home is whenever I'm with You.

Ti amo.

Monday blues.

  There were a couple of hard days for me. Let's call it detox days. But in general, that made me think that I am not the person I used to be. Made me think of how much I did change, of how everything around me make influence for every choice I make. And that make me think of where do I want to grow up. Who I want to be. And at this point I feel that I have some kind of bipolar disturb... There are two things in life I love the most. Well more. but I am talking about work spaces. And these two things are so different that I just have no idea how to combine them. And then there are other problems which I MUST solve in the next year. And that makes me cray cray. But as Nike says - Nothing is impossible. So I will try to figure it out. 

And today I am wearing my sport suit, because a little bit later I am going to a Gym! (You have no idea how proud I am that finaly I started it again. Yay me!).

Days like this.

   Lately I've been loving to wake up early, go to the gym, have breakfast, drink coffee and start my day like this. This week was with much less stress, confusion and negative thoughts.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SWJSL8uhr8

  In days like this I fall in love with the city again... But in this light all the corners look so magical. And if you ask me what is my favourite season is, I just couldn't tell. I think my favourite thing about the weather IS seasons. I just love how you can follow the change of the nature. How the leafes turn brown, when the first snow falls and makes Christmas magical, when all the flowers start their lifes from the beggining and how summer makes your face prettier, hair lighter... For this reason I think I live in the perfect place. Not too cold, not too hot. But I think I am coming to a conclusion. Or better - my past is telling me something about my future.

                                                 

The most important thing is to have a plan.

And people who love you.

And food.

When you are there.

   It scares me how fast the time flies (again, wow, what a story). It seems I came here like 3 months ago, and it's 7 already.... How that does make me feel? -Happy. I have grown so much, I have met a lot of people who are now my friends here, I had to go through so much, I think half of my head is covered in grey hair, because I ate stress for breakfast. After vacation in Lithuania everything is different, as it always is when you come back from home. I am still stressing around like crazy, with one million thoughts in my head and nightmares at night, thinking of what/how/why I do some stuff. And I am pretty sure I have all the answers. But past few days were all about "I don't think I am doing enough to succeed". Maybe because I was failing so much. I don't really know. Or maybe because I put other people in front of me before doing something. I don't know, those social norms that my parents gave me... They make me always think before doing something, make me think about how another person will feel about it. And then, automatically I start to wish for it from other people. Like a good feedback at least. But the truth is, that world is cruel. And nothing really happens as planned. Yes, I know, this is the beauty of life, but when you have some big plans and other people just make you fall to the sh*/& with your face every time you succeed, well, that makes me mad. For now, I just want to concentrate on my inner self and maybe love myself more. And I know that I am still at the same place like I was before, but I want to believe I will succeed somehow someday, even if I will have to climb to Everest all by myself. Or maybe I will receive some support ant that Everest will be just as high as the highest hill of Lithuania. And when I will be there, in that place, succeeded, happy and not alone, I will be able to say, that I live my life not without a point. Life is not pointless, life is hard and wonderful, life is beautiful and fun. I just need to learn to enjoy it as I did before.

***

It's been a long time.

    Wow. Time flies. Hard to believe the summer is over. And don't tell me there is still a week when the weather is like this. Oh Torino, you are so disappointing if we are talking about the weather. But your sunsets are so cute when you have a cup of tea in your hands.

    I never would have thought that THIS can be THAT serious. Like seriously. At the beggining my confusion level was up to the sky, you know what I mean, and now... And now I am waiting for Love of my life now, to come back to me. Torino is ugly without you. I have so many things in mind that we will do...  Even it seems that none of us will have time for many things, but I thing it is better like this. Now two things are important - Exams and Job. And I feel with my guts that everything will be great. 

    I still can't believe what difference can a pill make. I don't even remember when was the last time I felt so good. I have energy, I have a will to do something, I don't want to sleep immidiately after breakfast, it is easier to study, my mood is better, it is easier to cope with stress... I can't believe it. I am so happy. And I asure... Everything is going to be great starting from september. New years are coming early this year.

    It is so funny to read old letters and understand that you haven't understood ANYTHING what is written there two years ago. It all make sence now. This is good, like this you can see a progress. And I see mine growing pretty fast haha Where is that self-confidence came from (I'm telling you, those pills....) But stay calm, I am not using drugs! haha 

    My room is starting to look like MY room finaly. And so many new things are coming, this is so cool. 

    Everything that I will earn at work I will use to make other people happy. Because I love them that much.

Torino.

    I thought it will be the city of dreams. Well, it kind of is. But, unfortunately dreams doesn't come true this easily as children can imagine. It's not enough to make a wish when you see a falling star. It's not enough to believe. In others. Besides the believe, you also have to do something. And past few weeks I pretty much was waiting for things to come to me. Well. They didn't. It is crazy how much ideas I have. But as much crazy is that I do absolutely nothing to make them come true. I'm awesome, I know. 

    Past few days were really intense, hard, down. Not nice. Maybe it's the rain whi makes me feel like that. Or maybe I am just freezed in this second of stress and problems. I know I should concentrate on the future, making my dreams come true, at the end -  I came here to do that, right? Not so bad, that I still am able to found inspiration. And my inspiration is this city. With it's smell of fresh baked bagels, coffee, sun, crazy people, love, well dressed persons... As a matter of fact, I thought Torino will be more than this. I'm not complaining, oh God no. I am grateful for this opportunity (even if I had to go through hell to be here), but it doesn't feel that great anymore. Or it doesn't feel that great YET. I am more likely to believe in this sentence. I think these 6 months (oh my God how time flies) were just a beggining. Getting into life. Learning the language, making friends. And I have a feeling that September will be THE month of the year. Just like September issue is ;) 

   SO then again, I feel I can change everything, and now I am not alone in this. 

Oh. And I love pineapples ;]

Changes.

   So it was my birthday some days ago. So very strange, because I wasn't expecting it to be this nice and... different. I thought being away from home, family and friends will be hard and I will feel sad. At least that was how I was feeling like a week before my birthday. Also, the exam in the morning pf my B-day wasn't helping AT ALL. But don't judge the day without the evening. Everything was great, The Boy was super nice and everything was just amazing. Despite the fact, that another exam is like in 2 days from today, and I am feeling like I am going crazy (I think I am not only feeling, but I am actually going crazy). I was thinking it will be hard, but I wasn't expecting it will be this hard. This effing barrier of the language. This stress just kills me. And the worst part is that I can't actually ask for any pitty from others, because I was the one who chose to study here. Who chose to study in this language. Mah.

   But after my birthday everything has changed. Even maybe before. To wake up at 7am on Saturday morning? Me? Are you kidding me? Well, not anymore. Trying to figure out this ryth of my days, because it is hard for me to concentrate during the day, and in the evening I am starting to think "nooo i wasted another day." Or at least I was thinking it before I changed my point of view. Right now I just dont think about failure, that can happen, and so. At least I tried. I know I will found a work when I am back after my vacation, so I am not worried about that also. 

   I am feeling that my life will get better, even if I have to pass one million exams in one month. I can do it, right.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FoeKb5P5etk

Che confusione.

   And it starts again. This beautiful time of the year - exams. Even though I see progress in these days with doing some great work, but it always seems not enough. At this point of view, it seems that you can do everything IF you want to. You can feel HOW you want you. Well I wish everything would be that easy. But there are just people who always want to blame you for something, insult you, or make you feel bad. Yes yes, I'm talking about you, at the end I am happy how this all situation turned. 

   All in all my life is great. And maybe it will get even better. Just stress sometimes doesn't let you to enjoy every second of it. Too bad. Life in cosmos makes you happy haha Confusion and lack of attention, that happens when you don't sleep a lot. A war with neighbors about a post box. Awesome. Lost post. I hope since two days ago it won't happen again, because it's not cool!

   Confusion with the languages, I am starting to forget even english! Not cool again. But it my head turns some ideas that might come true very soon. Even if I always say sharing is caring, these ideas I'll keep to myself. Because you never know.

   In any case-buon appetito!

Controversial.

  Life. It is strange who you study Psychology and then have so many difficulties in your personal life. Like it seems you know how to solve the problem, how to act, what to say, how to say it. But the problem is, that at the end you are just a human as everybody else. And to solve other people problems seems much easier than yourselves. Making a break? Seems fair. At the end break ends after 24 hours because it seems too hard to be apart. But then again is it a good choice? I swear sometimes I just feel much more better just by myself, no stress, just me and my crazy thoughts. I don't know it's just so confusing. Take all the time you need to figure yourself out, but if you take it too long, the consequences might be not so pleasent.

   Anyhow, your actions are very controversial and make confusion. You don't realize it yourself I think. So like I don't know what to do. But allright, I have my life to live, 4 coming exams, birthday, christioning, festival upcoming to my life and I have to prepare for it. (especially that tiny exams part.fdoihsvbkjvf). 

   Trying to drink more water and eat more fruits makes me crazy, I need sugar. And fat. 

26/30.

    Rain bring me writing mood. Some alternative rock is playing in the background of my day. Today is a good day. Even though I could count all my muscules after this morning's work out. I think I did too much. Tomorrow I hope I won't cry.

    The life is pretty strange these days. I mean yes, exams are here, I have to study as hell, but it is so strange. In Lithuania, when exams arrive, everyone starts to party haha And yes, in Lithuania I have a lot of my friends which I can at least take a coffee, talk a little bit, just to make our heads clear after studying all day/all night. But here everyone seems like do nothing BUT studying. I mean, they are studying in their mother tongue language, and they are so stressed? Day after day I am starting to think what the hell am I doing here. Or maybe I am just that kind of person who can stay in one place for too long. Or I just can't choose a place to stay for my life. Well, goodluck to me to create a family! It's like I want to do so many things in the future, and I feel like I am living my dream, right now, right here. And all my plans sounds amazing, and actually they are coming true. Or maybe is just Torino with it's magic that helps. But sorry Torino, you are not a city where I would like to live. I feel like I am putting my life piece to piece and creating something beautiful. But then again, I feel like I am walking this way all by myself, which is kind of sad. But maybe this is my destiny, to be all by myself and live my dream alone? 

     I love to descover something new every day, yesterday I descovered Josh Record, I just fell inlove with his music, I have no words to describe how good his music is. I just....Love it.

I haven't done my inspiration blogs for a long time, because I don't feel motivated at all these days. But starting form yesterday I finally started to do things to change this situation. Go away lazyness! But I would like an evening which calls "A little party never killed nobody". Maybe soon. I hope.

And at the end of the day you live life and I live movies. There's no such thing as Love.

Where was I?

   Sunday blues got me here. Sekmadienis buvo tikras sekmadienis, su nostalgija, liūdesiu ir nuovargiu. Kai veiklos nėra - nieko daryti ir nesinori, kai laiko vis mažėja - poreikis naujoms veikloms didėja. Šiuo metu esu kažkur in between. Pradėjau galvoti ko noriu, kaip noriu ir ką su tuo galiu padaryti. Tikslai lyg ir aiškūs. Motyvacijos, žinoma, stinga (nothing new to say here), nors kartais atrodo užsimotyvuoji taip, kad net raumenis skauda. Bet šią savaitę nusprendžiau - to plano "nuo pirmadienio pradedu/metu/imuosi/t.t." realizavimu. Viskas ko reikia mano gyvenime šiuo metu - yra gera rutina. Nes jos kaip niekada stinga. Eiti miegoti 4tą valandą ryto, nes pokalbiai rimtomis temomis kažkodėl plėtojasi geriausiai būtent po vidurnakčio. "Vuoi dormire? -No. -Quindi parliamo". Ir taip labai dažnai. Jau atrodo visko čia pas mane su kaupu. 

    Yra trys dalykai, kuriuos man yra žiauriai sunku išspręsti. Ir nežinau ką daryti. Jaučiuosi truputį įspausta į kampą. Bet tikiu, kad visa tai išspręsiu anksčiau ar vėliau. Geriau aišku būtų anksčiau. 

    Vasara pakolkas atrodo labai smagi. Nepaisant dviejų mėnesių sesijos. Goodluck with that girl. Kartais tikrai LABAI nekenčiu italų kalbos. Kodėl aš čia norėjau atvažiuoti. Kodėl aš čia važiavau? Boooh. Tas kelias vėl atrodo labai jau išsišakojęs. Ir nežinau kiek aš noriu būti gelbėtoja, bet turbūt noriu, jei esu šioje padėtyje, kurioje esu. 

   Pamiegojus viskas vistiek atrodys kitaip.

Savaitės įkvėpimai.

   Įtempta savaitėlė buvo. Pavargau... Bet it is how it is. Mano šios savaitės gyvenimėlis nuotraukose atrodo maždaug taip: 

Fell in love with ice-cream again.

Food.

Finding new places.

Parties and best friend.

The Boy again.

Savaitės įkvėpimai.

    Nauja savaitė - nauji įkvėpimai. 

Paskutiniu metu laikas lekia kažkaip nenumaldomai greitai ir sunku susigaudyti kas iš tiesų vyksta. Paskutinės penkios dienos buvo kažkas nerealaus, kažkas kitokio mano itališkame gyvenimėlyje... Daug minčių, daug vidinių pokyčių, daug juoko ir prisiminimų.... Tačiau viskam pasibaigus užpuola kažkokia nostalgija.... Sumaištis. O gal tik egzistencinis nerimas. Juk iš tiesų taip niekas ir nežino. 

Jūra... Visada yra vieta, kurioje įkvėpimo ieškoti nereikia.

Skirtingų kavos rūšių ragavimas su draugais.

Ledai ir Geriausia draugė.

Kelionės su draugais ir serpantinas....

Maistas buvo šios savaites pagrindinis akcentas.