To do or not to do.

  The question is... I don't know what about you, but I am in a crisis a little bit. I don't know if it is the spring's fault, or the upcoming birthday's. It seems like everything is going to change. A lot. But still everything is so the same. Every day I face this damn question "To do or not to do?", and usualy I choose not to, because I am under exams pressure and I want to do REALLY good, and this is a problem I think. More I do more I get done. It always was like this, and now, when I have a lot of time, it seems I spend all of my most beautiful days in front of the books, trying to remember all the axess of DSM, or PDM and then repeat repeat repeat... I try to convince myself that I don't care about the mark, but I do. A little bit. The problem is, that I really wish I could not study and receive good marks. Haha. Not gonna happen any time soon. So right now I live a boring life under pressure between four walls. But my life isn't as bad as G's. Like he is completely lost. 3 hours a day in a bus, and eat your dinner at 21. I would be so fat if I would do that. So I can't say I live bad. I am really good actually. Like in two months I am going to my dream holiday. I CAN'T WAIT! Maybe it is better that I have loads of studying to do, time passes faster like that and I am motivated to get my s**t done. 

Even if all I want to do is go shopping and lay in the sun.

Soon.

Break.

  I could use one. Really. 

I start to write this blog like the 6th time already. That pretty much sums up what is going on in my head. And I always tried to write something when I was feeing good and inspired. but this time I just need to write TO feel good.

   The problem is I have no idea what, or how to write. 

    Another problem is that I miss my friends. I miss them so badly. Everyday I tell to myself. you can do this, you can find friends also here, you can make great connections, create a wonderful life. But the truth is, days go by, and even people I thought are my friends, or are becoming to be ones, actually aren't. I will be always different. Italian will never be my native language, I will never understand completely how things work here. And that is my problem, because I really don't want to change who I am just to be someone they would like. And even if I am feeling like an outsider most of the time here, I am happy about my choice. I was brave enough to do it. And they are just chickens who can't even change a city in their own country. I know only one thing, I want to graduate as soon as I possibly can, do everything that is in my power, and to make myself proud of what I have accomplished in this time here. And then I would like to go to a place, where there is job, where they pay because you work, not because you go to work, where things happens in time and you don't have to prepare six million billion documents to get a student card. I hope The Boy will have enough courage to do that as well. But we will see. Maybe my life will turn upside down, maybe I will find a job here. But it is hard to make all these plans by myself. I know that it is important to think about "here and now". but maybe it is also a little bit useful to think about the future and what can we do to make that future better for ourselves? Oh I don't know.

I am just happy that after this hell of two months will end, I will have the best vacation I could ever imagine. 

So I wish you all a nice sunny day today.

Different. Or just a random talk.

   Amo prendere la pausa e trovare la motivazione... Trovarla nelle parole che i miei amici mi scrive... Trovarla nelle canzone che trovo in modo "random" mentre sto cazzeggiando (cosa che purtroppo faccio troppo in questi giorni....). Ma avevo bisogno di un pomeriggio cosi. Dovevo sistemare la mia testa e i miei pensieri e anche la mia camera. Anche se ho avuto pocche ore per fare tutto. Ma era abbastanza. Era abbastanza per iniziare sentire viva di nuovo. Per capire che le cose vanno cosi come vuoi tu, e se metti pausa sulla vita nessuno fara le cose per te. Tu e solo Tu devi prendere il posto della autista e guidare dove ti pare e' meglio per te. E se hai qualcuno speciale nella tua vita - anche per quella persona. Ho capito che sono troppo egoista a volte, ieri, quando siamo stati alla apericena che faceva schiffo, ho capito che mi sono cambiata tantissimo. Anche dal giorno quando sono arrivata qui. Ero timida-buona-buonissima-cativa, ed adesso nemeno lo so come sono a volte. Lo so solo che sono felice e che cerco a fare altre persone cosi. E spero che riesco. Almeno a volte.

 And now I feel inspired to work a little harder and do everything a little better. Spring is inspiring, my friend.

Spring.

   It's finally here. 10-15 degrees outside -  I like it. Finally no heavy coats, no boots, no fur... Everything is getting lighter and warmer. That is everything I like in Life. But unfortunately not everything is easy. As I change my mind about a lot of things in my life, it get much easier to control it. But even now sometimes my mind gets messy. I start to think what I HAVE to do, and what I'm ACTUALLY doing. Which is pretty much nothing in these days. All the excersices and group works I have to do seems nothing if I compare it to the other things that are waiting for me. I need a one day break. To think, to plan, to organise. To clear my mind. 

   Despite all that I finally feel that I am going the right way and that everything will be alright, it has to be. Even if it is not like I imagine, not all the details are the same, but it is good at the end. And this perfect imperfection makes life beautiful. And so does spring. 

New Year.

   12.02.2014 I came here. I chose to be far away from home and people I love. Today I am celebrating my one year anniversary with The City. It wasn't easy I must say. And it was a long long way. But I learend a lot. I met new people. I 've lost some... But takaja laif as I like to say. Anyways, I don't regret anything. I am happy I make this decision and I am happy I am growing inside every single minute I am here. And it changed me loads, I don't know it's a good thing or bad, but right now I am happy of who I am. I am happy about people who are in my life and I am happy about those who are gone or came back. Life here showed me, the the goal of it doesn't have to be a non stop competition about "whose life is worse", it's not even about whose life is better. it's about BEING HAPPY. If you feel happy competing with others about how your life is shit (excuse the language) - great, if you choose to compete with others because you feel like VIP on this Earth - even better. But I choose to be happy. here and now, because time flies and I don't have a luxury to worry about how to make my life shittier in the eyes of others. I only have time to reach my goals, to Love, to travel, to help others (if it's in my power) to feel happier (at least a little bit, because so many people/places make me happier so much). If others don't like it - well, that's not my problem. I start MY New Year with a positive mind, clear soul and finished exam session (successfuly even), I decided to have only one New Year's resolution, which might sound very cheesy, but I think everyone should be concerned about it more. And it sounds like that -  DO MORE OF WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. And take care of your health. This past year also tought me, that being with a shitty health is not cool. Then even being happy doesn't seem so important. 

But of course, drink more water, start do sports, eat less junk food, if that is what makes YOU happy. 

Now I am going to celebrate my New Year with a cup of coffee, since I quit for two months now, I think it's quite an occasion to break my rule.

Love, be loved and take care <3