Home is whenever I'm with You.

Ti amo.

Monday blues.

  There were a couple of hard days for me. Let's call it detox days. But in general, that made me think that I am not the person I used to be. Made me think of how much I did change, of how everything around me make influence for every choice I make. And that make me think of where do I want to grow up. Who I want to be. And at this point I feel that I have some kind of bipolar disturb... There are two things in life I love the most. Well more. but I am talking about work spaces. And these two things are so different that I just have no idea how to combine them. And then there are other problems which I MUST solve in the next year. And that makes me cray cray. But as Nike says - Nothing is impossible. So I will try to figure it out. 

And today I am wearing my sport suit, because a little bit later I am going to a Gym! (You have no idea how proud I am that finaly I started it again. Yay me!).

Days like this.

   Lately I've been loving to wake up early, go to the gym, have breakfast, drink coffee and start my day like this. This week was with much less stress, confusion and negative thoughts.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SWJSL8uhr8

  In days like this I fall in love with the city again... But in this light all the corners look so magical. And if you ask me what is my favourite season is, I just couldn't tell. I think my favourite thing about the weather IS seasons. I just love how you can follow the change of the nature. How the leafes turn brown, when the first snow falls and makes Christmas magical, when all the flowers start their lifes from the beggining and how summer makes your face prettier, hair lighter... For this reason I think I live in the perfect place. Not too cold, not too hot. But I think I am coming to a conclusion. Or better - my past is telling me something about my future.

                                                 

The most important thing is to have a plan.

And people who love you.

And food.

When you are there.

   It scares me how fast the time flies (again, wow, what a story). It seems I came here like 3 months ago, and it's 7 already.... How that does make me feel? -Happy. I have grown so much, I have met a lot of people who are now my friends here, I had to go through so much, I think half of my head is covered in grey hair, because I ate stress for breakfast. After vacation in Lithuania everything is different, as it always is when you come back from home. I am still stressing around like crazy, with one million thoughts in my head and nightmares at night, thinking of what/how/why I do some stuff. And I am pretty sure I have all the answers. But past few days were all about "I don't think I am doing enough to succeed". Maybe because I was failing so much. I don't really know. Or maybe because I put other people in front of me before doing something. I don't know, those social norms that my parents gave me... They make me always think before doing something, make me think about how another person will feel about it. And then, automatically I start to wish for it from other people. Like a good feedback at least. But the truth is, that world is cruel. And nothing really happens as planned. Yes, I know, this is the beauty of life, but when you have some big plans and other people just make you fall to the sh*/& with your face every time you succeed, well, that makes me mad. For now, I just want to concentrate on my inner self and maybe love myself more. And I know that I am still at the same place like I was before, but I want to believe I will succeed somehow someday, even if I will have to climb to Everest all by myself. Or maybe I will receive some support ant that Everest will be just as high as the highest hill of Lithuania. And when I will be there, in that place, succeeded, happy and not alone, I will be able to say, that I live my life not without a point. Life is not pointless, life is hard and wonderful, life is beautiful and fun. I just need to learn to enjoy it as I did before.

***

It's been a long time.

    Wow. Time flies. Hard to believe the summer is over. And don't tell me there is still a week when the weather is like this. Oh Torino, you are so disappointing if we are talking about the weather. But your sunsets are so cute when you have a cup of tea in your hands.

    I never would have thought that THIS can be THAT serious. Like seriously. At the beggining my confusion level was up to the sky, you know what I mean, and now... And now I am waiting for Love of my life now, to come back to me. Torino is ugly without you. I have so many things in mind that we will do...  Even it seems that none of us will have time for many things, but I thing it is better like this. Now two things are important - Exams and Job. And I feel with my guts that everything will be great. 

    I still can't believe what difference can a pill make. I don't even remember when was the last time I felt so good. I have energy, I have a will to do something, I don't want to sleep immidiately after breakfast, it is easier to study, my mood is better, it is easier to cope with stress... I can't believe it. I am so happy. And I asure... Everything is going to be great starting from september. New years are coming early this year.

    It is so funny to read old letters and understand that you haven't understood ANYTHING what is written there two years ago. It all make sence now. This is good, like this you can see a progress. And I see mine growing pretty fast haha Where is that self-confidence came from (I'm telling you, those pills....) But stay calm, I am not using drugs! haha 

    My room is starting to look like MY room finaly. And so many new things are coming, this is so cool. 

    Everything that I will earn at work I will use to make other people happy. Because I love them that much.

Torino.

    I thought it will be the city of dreams. Well, it kind of is. But, unfortunately dreams doesn't come true this easily as children can imagine. It's not enough to make a wish when you see a falling star. It's not enough to believe. In others. Besides the believe, you also have to do something. And past few weeks I pretty much was waiting for things to come to me. Well. They didn't. It is crazy how much ideas I have. But as much crazy is that I do absolutely nothing to make them come true. I'm awesome, I know. 

    Past few days were really intense, hard, down. Not nice. Maybe it's the rain whi makes me feel like that. Or maybe I am just freezed in this second of stress and problems. I know I should concentrate on the future, making my dreams come true, at the end -  I came here to do that, right? Not so bad, that I still am able to found inspiration. And my inspiration is this city. With it's smell of fresh baked bagels, coffee, sun, crazy people, love, well dressed persons... As a matter of fact, I thought Torino will be more than this. I'm not complaining, oh God no. I am grateful for this opportunity (even if I had to go through hell to be here), but it doesn't feel that great anymore. Or it doesn't feel that great YET. I am more likely to believe in this sentence. I think these 6 months (oh my God how time flies) were just a beggining. Getting into life. Learning the language, making friends. And I have a feeling that September will be THE month of the year. Just like September issue is ;) 

   SO then again, I feel I can change everything, and now I am not alone in this. 

Oh. And I love pineapples ;]

Changes.

   So it was my birthday some days ago. So very strange, because I wasn't expecting it to be this nice and... different. I thought being away from home, family and friends will be hard and I will feel sad. At least that was how I was feeling like a week before my birthday. Also, the exam in the morning pf my B-day wasn't helping AT ALL. But don't judge the day without the evening. Everything was great, The Boy was super nice and everything was just amazing. Despite the fact, that another exam is like in 2 days from today, and I am feeling like I am going crazy (I think I am not only feeling, but I am actually going crazy). I was thinking it will be hard, but I wasn't expecting it will be this hard. This effing barrier of the language. This stress just kills me. And the worst part is that I can't actually ask for any pitty from others, because I was the one who chose to study here. Who chose to study in this language. Mah.

   But after my birthday everything has changed. Even maybe before. To wake up at 7am on Saturday morning? Me? Are you kidding me? Well, not anymore. Trying to figure out this ryth of my days, because it is hard for me to concentrate during the day, and in the evening I am starting to think "nooo i wasted another day." Or at least I was thinking it before I changed my point of view. Right now I just dont think about failure, that can happen, and so. At least I tried. I know I will found a work when I am back after my vacation, so I am not worried about that also. 

   I am feeling that my life will get better, even if I have to pass one million exams in one month. I can do it, right.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FoeKb5P5etk